University of the Pacific
(brief personal statement)
Hajumemashite, Watashi wa Inabata Austin desu. Doozo yoroshiku. How do you do, my name is Austin Inabata, nice to meet you. I am a local, full Japanese, Hawaii boy. Born and raised on the beautiful island of Oahu.
I’m very active playing sports year round!! If it’s not one it’s the other busy busy busy! My life has always been in the baseball world but I still enjoy playing football. I try to keep my grades top shape just like how I try and keep my body. Physically fit. I always try to be the best at whatever I do. If I’m not in first, to me that’s a failure. I always want to try and be number 1. I know this may seem like I have a big ego or that I’m conceded but I try to stay humble about it. Especially when I win something unless the other people are acting up and being cocky during the event then they will get an earful from me.
I can get along with anyone! Except for the following…Know it all’s, again cocky people, people that hate on others and the biggest one is PUNKS!! Well ok then maybe not anyone…
I guess you can call me a jock but I also have a soft side…Between you and me, I love little children!! They are sometimes better then the friends I have at my school now!! But I like to take care of babies and watch little children run around the park. I also like dancing even though I’m not very good but I still like it thanks to one of my friends at school. So this is my secret life. The life behind the jock you could say. So yeah...This is me, another “High School Musical Troy Bolton” but a dancing one not singing. Till then… Sayoonara!!
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Kelvin Baided
ReplyDeleteGreat, Good Essay so far but What I really like about this essay is that. It is short and gets to the point of thing no like million essay. Good mix im your paragraph with the Japanese words and just being yourself in this essay while writing. I think its alright, but good job!!!
i agree with kelvin it was nice and short . it had very good voice . if i didnt know you wrote it i wouldve found out by reading your essay and id be like oh thats austin haha.. good job.
ReplyDeleteHi Austin,
ReplyDeleteI agree with Kevin and Cody that your essay has voice...it sounds like you :) I think, however, that they could have done a more thorough job of commenting.
I would highly recommend that when you revise this essay, you include specific detail to back up your short character sketch. For example, you say that you want to be first...give us some specific examples of this trait....you talk about your soft side..again, give specific examples of the little kids you like to play with.
I would also recommend your leaving out the part about types of people you do not like. Although it's your honest opinion, it kinda looks at it from a negative perspective and I think there's enough about your character and personality that's positive, so you can avoid the negativity part.
nice job...
mrs s